Circumventing Circumstance

Sometimes…I just wish for better…

Let’s just say it’s been a tough week. Little sleep, awkward Sherry moments a-plenty, and feigned, as well as actual, ignorance…lots of self-inflicted ego-benders, but also terrifying moments of absolute unknown…

Without giving away details or identities or making someone take the blame, let’s just say I have taken a tumble from grace. I made a series of mindless choices, choosing to let my heart lead me instead attempting to lead my heart. I wanted so badly for some truth to come out of circumstance that I embraced the ambiguity of mere moments.

I heard my faults mouthed through by friends, voicing concern but also…something extra…more along the lines of reputation damage. That’s when everything finally clicked into place – my big stupid mouth continues to lose me friends and alienate people, my fragile and desperate heart devoured attention, and I couldn’t for the life of me find a way out of circumstance. Right now, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so alone. A profound hollow emptiness that magnifies my raucous, vacuous laughs. Every movement confirms my shame and sheer lack of will power. In many ways, I’m so empty.

Rash as I am, I continue to chatter. I forgot how I confided in people, some who didn’t have my best interest at heart. People I thought were trustworthy through back my past sins, brought to light my demons. Rebuking, perhaps, but send in an offhanded, joking way. Really though? They assume to know me, to know my heart. It hurts so much, to think that an entire life can be reduced to ashes because of a too quick flame. One comment and I become THAT girl  – the drunkard, the whore, or the town’s fool. I lose my identity based on flippant, smirking words and behind knowing glances…but they don’t know me. They know only my past, and I can see it from the imprint I form on their eyelids…THAT girl.

In times like these, when I really feel like I have put the pearls of my life before swine…when I feel wrongly or actually betrayed, I force myself to look at Christ. To remember these three remain – faith, hope, and love. They persevere where failure stews and bubbles. Despite my current sad state of self-criticism and reanalysis, I know this – if I am used only as gossip fodder in this life, then that will be all the hell I have to endure. This lifetime, finite as mist, disappears in seconds compared to eternity. It’s worth the pain. Again though, there’s no true reason for complaint – Jesus walks with me. As I listen to friends laugh at the joke of my life, as tears threaten the corners of my eyes, and as I wonder where my threadbare integrity went so long ago – I feel His presence, like the cool breeze on the wings of the dawn…and I can take it. I can endure, for He first endured. I can love, because He first loved.

Yes, I’m sad. I feel dejected, rejected, and worthless. Maybe rightly so, but I’m justified and cared for by Christ, my first love. I have no inherent worth, but through Him, with Him, and by Him I can keep going. Without fail, He reminds me to keep on keepin’ on.

I am reminded that so long ago, a King laid down his life so that I may live…this sad sinner girl with a barren heart of stone.

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One thought on “Circumventing Circumstance

  1. Give ear to my prayer, O God,
    and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
    Attend to me, and answer me;
    I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
    because of the noise of the enemy,
    because of the oppression of the wicked.
    For they drop trouble upon me,
    and in anger they bear a grudge against me.
    My heart is in anguish within me;
    the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
    Fear and trembling come upon me,
    and horror overwhelms me.
    And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
    I would fly away and be at rest;
    yes, I would wander far away;
    I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah
    I would hurry to find a shelter
    from the raging wind and tempest.”
    Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;
    for I see violence and strife in the city.
    Day and night they go around it
    on its walls,
    and iniquity and trouble are within it;
    ruin is in its midst;
    oppression and fraud
    do not depart from its marketplace.
    For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
    then I could bear it;
    it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
    then I could hide from him.
    But it is you, a man, my equal,
    my companion, my familiar friend.
    We used to take sweet counsel together;
    within God’s house we walked in the throng.
    Let death steal over them;
    let them go down to Sheol alive;
    for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.
    But I call to God,
    and the LORD will save me.
    Evening and morning and at noon
    I utter my complaint and moan,
    and he hears my voice.
    He redeems my soul in safety
    from the battle that I wage,
    for many are arrayed against me.
    God will give ear and humble them,
    he who is enthroned from of old, Selah
    because they do not change
    and do not fear God.
    My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;
    he violated his covenant.
    His speech was smooth as butter,
    yet war was in his heart;
    his words were softer than oil,
    yet they were drawn swords.
    Cast your burden on the LORD,
    and he will sustain you;
    he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved.
    But you, O God, will cast them down
    into the pit of destruction;
    men of blood and treachery
    shall not live out half their days.
    But I will trust in you.
    (Psalm 55 ESV)

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