Let’s just say it’s been a tough week. Little sleep, awkward Sherry moments a-plenty, and feigned, as well as actual, ignorance…lots of self-inflicted ego-benders, but also terrifying moments of absolute unknown…
Without giving away details or identities or making someone take the blame, let’s just say I have taken a tumble from grace. I made a series of mindless choices, choosing to let my heart lead me instead attempting to lead my heart. I wanted so badly for some truth to come out of circumstance that I embraced the ambiguity of mere moments.
I heard my faults mouthed through by friends, voicing concern but also…something extra…more along the lines of reputation damage. That’s when everything finally clicked into place – my big stupid mouth continues to lose me friends and alienate people, my fragile and desperate heart devoured attention, and I couldn’t for the life of me find a way out of circumstance. Right now, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so alone. A profound hollow emptiness that magnifies my raucous, vacuous laughs. Every movement confirms my shame and sheer lack of will power. In many ways, I’m so empty.
Rash as I am, I continue to chatter. I forgot how I confided in people, some who didn’t have my best interest at heart. People I thought were trustworthy through back my past sins, brought to light my demons. Rebuking, perhaps, but send in an offhanded, joking way. Really though? They assume to know me, to know my heart. It hurts so much, to think that an entire life can be reduced to ashes because of a too quick flame. One comment and I become THAT girl – the drunkard, the whore, or the town’s fool. I lose my identity based on flippant, smirking words and behind knowing glances…but they don’t know me. They know only my past, and I can see it from the imprint I form on their eyelids…THAT girl.
In times like these, when I really feel like I have put the pearls of my life before swine…when I feel wrongly or actually betrayed, I force myself to look at Christ. To remember these three remain – faith, hope, and love. They persevere where failure stews and bubbles. Despite my current sad state of self-criticism and reanalysis, I know this – if I am used only as gossip fodder in this life, then that will be all the hell I have to endure. This lifetime, finite as mist, disappears in seconds compared to eternity. It’s worth the pain. Again though, there’s no true reason for complaint – Jesus walks with me. As I listen to friends laugh at the joke of my life, as tears threaten the corners of my eyes, and as I wonder where my threadbare integrity went so long ago – I feel His presence, like the cool breeze on the wings of the dawn…and I can take it. I can endure, for He first endured. I can love, because He first loved.
Yes, I’m sad. I feel dejected, rejected, and worthless. Maybe rightly so, but I’m justified and cared for by Christ, my first love. I have no inherent worth, but through Him, with Him, and by Him I can keep going. Without fail, He reminds me to keep on keepin’ on.
I am reminded that so long ago, a King laid down his life so that I may live…this sad sinner girl with a barren heart of stone.