That Girl.

Happy 4th! If you’re State side, I hope you’re enjoying family time resounding in happy explosions of light and color. I’ve mostly been enjoying the sounds and smells, after watching copious amounts of the awesome that is Ip Man in The Grandmaster. Fireworks are a bit unnerving in my book.

Wong Kar Wai’s movies often cycle around the destructiveness of desire and the dark underbelly of lust. Through the lush veil of his cinematography, you can see to the rotting core of debilitating human vice. I know how destructive self can be. One thing I know, I never want to be that girl. The one that’s hidden and selfishly consumed, that girl. The one that lets superficial desire consume her and caters to someone else’s whims. Whether psychologically, physically, spiritually…I refuse to be bullied into something I don’t know or experience for myself. It’s too easy to get pushed aside or run over. What I had to remember, what I still must remind myself, is that I have a voice, and I have a God-given life.

A few years ago, I was hurt in a way I don’t wish on my worst enemy. You might call it abuse or assault. During the time, I wasn’t doing too well either, seeking out comfort through meaningless relationships. I lost friends and, nearly, my sanity. Regardless, it has taken me a while to cope through, and even today I’m unsure of my complete well-being.

What I know is this.

Sometimes, you have to take back what you thought you lost in the fire. When all someone wants to leave you is hate, bitterness and sorrow, you fight back with all the strength you have. Hold onto hope. Hold onto people you love and who love you. Let go of the ones who don’t and the regrets that surround them. Persevere with the knowledge that a perfect God gave Himself that you might live. It’s never, never too late to start living the life you wish you had. 

I struggle with the same terrible habits, the temptation to believe that I’m worthless, the struggle to remember I’m more than just what others think of me.  

It’s a lie, but a convincing one sometimes.

What is truly important, what I must remind myself is that God is the Lord of the storm. He saves me from my worst enemies and myself, sometimes one and the same. He is my calm, my sanity, my all in all.

Though I am faith less, He is faithful. 

So. If you’re feeling like that girl, the one that others seem to just want to throw away or who is treated like trash. The one who feels like trash….

Remember who God is. Who He created and intended you to be. That girl. The one with second, third and infinite chances. That girl. The one He loves and prays for and blesses. That girl. The one He gave His son for. 

That girl. The one who, even when fallen, He welcomes back with open arms.

I have always been the prodigal daughter. 

What you learn from wandering away and from losing your will is that you can always return home. What is beautiful about God is that He is always waiting with mercy. No matter what I have done, the shame I carry, the people I’ve hurt…it is His love that washes me clean again.

The truth is, I’m scared of being that girl no one will ever love. That has led me to so much pain and anguish, so many attempts to compensate for that which isn’t there. What I never realize, until it’s much too late, is that the love I long for is always right there. Right where the Cross met His hands. When the stone rolled away and the tomb was empty. When He promised and delivered.

He is that God. And this girl, this girl is going to remember that.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea,“Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them,“Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” -Mark 4:39-40 ESV

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