The Negative Film

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Somewhere in the Pacific, 2015.

What is really so very jarring about people is not what they say directly to you, but what they’re actually thinking deep down. The Upside Down, for all those Stranger Things fans out there. That’s what I’ve always been somewhat morbidly obsessed with and plagued by. How do people get by with their uglier, wild side peeking out from just beneath the surface?

I remember a few years back, at this gospel retreat, I remembered this couple very fondly. I didn’t know them well but we were on amicable terms, enough to summon a greeting when coming face to face at least. Due to some fluke of humanity or a curse at birth, I’ve always had the displeasure of near supersonic hearing…and accidental eavesdropping. So, there I was, cleaning out my room, listening to this couple rant on and on about how ridiculous my comments were in the seminar.

“Well, you know. She’s an English major. She can only see the world through that lens.”

“I mean, I don’t think he said anything even that offensive.”

“Right? She just took it the wrong way.”

On and on they droned, running circles around my response to a Moody Bible speaker who I thought was masogynistic and ill-informed. What they don’t tell you about church but what most of us experience is that Christians are often our harshest critics. Anyway, there I am, separated from these pseudo-nice fake people by a cheap, semi-open door. I could hear my blood pumping through my earlobes, whether from fear or sadness or rage…I don’t know. It felt like a betrayal, as if they hid their cruelty some place that I couldn’t respond to it.

That whole retreat, which was meant to be family, proceeded just like that. People were kind enough, but it was always just a veneer. For instance, we have this habit of staying up late with the youth group playing silly games and messing around until 3 in the morning. Well, this time, when I tried to comb past the lines of distance and time, I was immediately blocked out of the group. One of my close friends talked around me. Meaning, I was physically present within a circle of conversation but I wasn’t invited to respond to any of the questions they posed. It left me feeling hopeless, like my voice would never be heard or valued.

I don’t know why I bring all this up now, it’s pointless really. Only that, the church, as much as I love it, is flawed. It’s filled with liars, backstabbers, cheats. I used to adore this one person there. Only, upon addressing this unrequited infatuation, I found myself the laughingstock of the entire church group. People were literally talking about this years after the initial occurrence, it never died down.

So I left. Bitter, angry, and more than a little bit irritated that a place which claims to be based on a strong foundation of unconditional love became more than a little bit conditional. I’m not saying I was the perfect candidate or member. I’m still a believer, albeit over 800 miles away in a different city with a different church family. I didn’t move entirely because of a broken church body, but I will say it was a factor.

What I will say is…there was a habit of being two-faced that I didn’t appreciate. If you’re going to be nasty, be nasty to my face. I’m wondering if this is particular to the Asian American church or if everyone can be just this mean. Worried about face and all that. I suppose that’s why I’ve had this long, de-toxing hiatus from social media. Fake love, fake friends…I didn’t need that in my life anymore.

The new chapter starts here.

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